The Rumors are True: Writers Hate Editors, and Vice Versa I'm Sure

Being frozen is an interesting thing. Every time I went to my manuscript after paying somebody to copyedit and proofread it, I ended up in a surly mood. Which made me procrastinate. Which made me freeze up even more. It especially pissed me off when I found the typos and misspellings the editor made, the mistakes the editor missed as well as the mistakes the editor made in his less than stellar corrections of mine. There was the presumptuous insertion of his word choices over mine - after I told him I found that kind of thing invasive.

I'm glad I chose to go over what he did, instead of just accepting his changes. Some of his changes were good and some of his suggestions were helpful. I also found places where the story needed bolstering and I finally got the the first page back to its power, instead of the watered down version due to too many rewrites, too much polishing, and too many "constructive criticisms." The first chapter is often over polished and bloodless because it is the part of a novel that gets worked over the most.

In all, I do not believe I made the best choice amongst the freelance editors who answered my Craigslist ad. I picked the editor who shall remain nameless, not because he had the most impressive credentials or even experience with editing book-length works or novels. I chose him because I did like his work on the sample he did from the manuscript and he seemed so enthusiastic, even eager, over the chance to edit a novel. It bums me out every time I come across a section where his changes were superfluous or where he clearly got lazy. It bums me out that he lost passion for my novel, and it shows. I do not believe I got the best value for the money I paid him. Needless to say, I will not be contacting him on future projects. Nor will I recommend him.

Oh well... I guess he had a problem with a heart-stealing seductress as the main character. Perhaps her appetite put him off a bit. Mistakes are inevitable in a process like this and I suppose it's all about learning. On the upside, this bad choice in a freelance editor made me appreciate the freelance artist who on the cover illustrations all the more. His real name is Dennis, but his professional name is BANE. I also found him on Craigslist. I sure hit the jackpot that day.

Almost Final Cover

I think my favorite aspect of self-publishing is choosing the artist I want to work with. Everything else is not going as smoothly, but working with Dennis is such a pleasure. I mean how many people go to the trouble of showing their thought processes in creating a nice composition like he does? See below:

BANE @banedarkart.com

Here, Dennis shows the movement of the image, how everything swirls to point to the main protagonist, the anti-shero, Ella Bandita. I especially like the way he's aligned her hands with her leg, the Wanderer's eye, and his hand. Although this image of the Wanderer isn't exactly compatible with his character sketch, I like it that we can see him and it's close enough. The illustration has a nice flow and I love the way the eye is drawn into the image. He did a great job of getting back the basic integrity of his original composition.

BANE@banedarkart.com

Here, he went back to her original stance, which I liked in his first drafts. But here, her leg doesn't seem as muscular. She doesn't seem as solid in her stance. He reminded me in the original draft, she wasn't completely anatomically correct yet. I also want the swirl to be brighter.

BANE@banedarkart.com

Here, he emphasizes her lunged pose because it makes her more dynamic, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. He also uses a green swirl of magic because it's brighter and easier to do than a multi-color swirl. It turns out there's also not enough room at the top of the image to fit the title, which is rather long: "Ella Bandita and the Wanderer." There's more than enough room for my name at the bottom, however. After a few adjustments, I'm putting it to a vote on my Facebook page.

But I'm loving how this is turning out!

I Have the Mountain

People are disappointing, but at least I have the mountain. I had some of the best snowboarding I've had in years yesterday in a storm that was reaching blizzard proportions. It's pretty incredible to me that they even let us up there and as always on a snowy windy day, it was fresh tracks every day.

But that's not the reason why I'm taking yet another break from the annals of self-publishing - where I've hit a wall of my own making anyway. I wanted to write about the relief it is to get out of my head and into the elements and be in my body. Because when it's that intense, I don't have a choice but to get out of my despondency and deal with my immediate world. The first few runs yesterday, I was so upset I was actually crying. But it wasn't the weather that was psyching me out. It was people. People I trusted and had affection for. People who I offered much of myself to and supported and was kind. I did not get that kind of affection and friendship and support and appreciation in return. What I got was a kick in the teeth and that's putting it mildly. I really hurt due to the actions and self-centeredness and narcissistic stupidity of lesser women who I thought were my friends. I found out they weren't.

So yesterday on the mountain, I was crying over these bitches. I wasn't in my body at all. I was in my mind, in my incessant brooding over the questions: Why? How could they? How dare they treat me like that? In the meantime, the wind was blowing so hard, snowflakes were making a white out. I couldn't see the snow or the trees or anything else; I couldn't find my place in space. It's hard to find your balance when everything is white. Where am I in this world? And I fell over and over again. For a few runs, it was like this.

And then it became sweet. I realized I just to let it go and be in the space I was in right now and that space was beautiful. The wind was bitter against my face, the snow was intimidating, the white was endless. But I found my groove and I can't remember the last time I moved so freely through the powder. It was effortless. I was riding through the steep and the deep, and moving fast and I felt like I was hardly using any energy at all. I just couldn't stop riding and before I knew it, I was hooting and hollering and having a grand old time. I knew I would always be okay if I can always have moments and days like this. Nobody else matters when I'm riding like that. I even made last chair with 2 minutes to spare. And that run was the sweetest of all.

Today I feel much better. I will never again be friends with anybody who doesn't think I'm awesome. Nobody should, really.

Thank you for reading.

Getting Fried Whines and Snivels

Now that I have everything broken up in pieces, I'm starting to get pretty fried with setting everything up for self-publishing. I'm frustrated with the graphic designer I've hired for the logo and the drawings for the Freedom Junkie Press site - because it's clear that he just doesn't get it with what I'm looking for. The website designer I've hired to do both websites - EllaBandita.com and FreedomJunkiePress.com has admitted he has little experience with Wordpress, which I was planning on using for EllaBandita.com. I'm not thrilled with the work the freelance editor has done, and have even found a few mistakes he missed and a few mistakes he added as I'm scouring his version of things. And Dennis, my revered and valued artist also known as BANE, has sent me the cover concepts for the first novelette - one I like, the other I don't - but at the same time, it'll work for the website as an image of toughness. Anyway, I'm just feeling a little cranky and overwhelmed and thrust in the middle of doing things I'm not particularly good at, namely multi-tasking and being in charge.

Of course, other than blogging, I'm not writing right now. Sigh...

Three Steps Closer and Two Steps Back, but Getting Closer to Final Cover!

When Dennis sent me the next round of cover concepts, I nearly fell out of my chair! Now this is more like it!

BANE at banedarkart.com

Instead of portraits of the two characters, we both decided to use a scene instead for the cover. This is the moment just before Ella Bandita steals the Wanderer's heart. As a whole, Ella Bandita looks amazing here - he really captured her essence. But there's no need for her to be holding her dagger in her other hand - she's not stealing his heart so she can stab it. On his website, I've found that Dennis really likes to put sharp knives in the hands of women - go figure. And where's the Wanderer? That figure with his back to us could be anybody, and after all the effort to get the Wanderer right, I didn't want him to go to waste. I asked Dennis if he could find a way to turn the Wanderer to face the reader, but still keep him trapped in the swirl of magic.

And this is one that Dennis sent me next:

BANE at banedarkart.com

I asked Dennis to extend her hand out, Ella Bandita in readiness to receive the heart she's about to steal. But with the Wanderer in profile, it's not much of an improvement because you still can't see him. And in that pose, he looks like a doofus. But the next one is... well, you'll see.

BANE at banedarkart.com

And here, the Wanderer does not look like the Wanderer in his portrait and he looks like a character out of a zombie movie - which would be fine, if he were any of her other conquests. But he's not. The Wanderer is the only conquest that does not lose his personality and his will after Ella Bandita steals his heart. I also didn't like the shift in perspective - I loved the composition in his original concepts above - I felt like my eye was totally drawn into the scene, and these didn't seem nearly as balanced. Dennis reassured me that he hadn't meant to work the Wanderer in and was working with a generic male face and would make adjustments once I was happy with the final image. He also explained the reasons why I preferred the original composition as creating a circle around Ella Bandita with the moon, the shape of the tree to her left and the curve of the Wanderer towards her. As soon as he explained it to me, I saw it. We talked some more and he said he'd work a few days on some ideas to find that balance between the Wanderer's visibility and the circular composition that was so compelling.

As I said, we're getting closer!

Feel Your Ride

I know I should get back to the details of writing and self publishing, but since I just had the kind of day that makes me grateful to be alive, there's no way I'm not going to blog about that.

I love snowboarding. I'm proud to call myself an addict. Today on Mt. Hood was the best powder day I've enjoyed in years. Everybody waxes eloquent over the bluebird days, but I think I prefer to ride while it's snowing and the wind is blowing. I have to get inside myself and not let the fear of nature's elements frighten me. It's pretty intimidating to be trying to make your way through winds so strong, sometimes I'm moving a bit backwards before going forwards. It's scary to go down a steep slope with wind and snow blowing in your face, making white out conditions, a strange kind of blindness. But that's when the magic begins. That's when I have to feel my ride and those are the moments I find out the snowboarder I really am. And the reward is a blissful ride, making fresh tracks all day long. Another benefit is that the beginners and the families and the fearful stay away on days like today.

"The wind keeps the pussies off the mountain."

So said a kid I rode up the lift with. He even fist bumped me to express fellowship and solidarity when I told him I liked riding during a storm. Doesn't matter whether you're male or female, snowboarding is a culture where everybody who can ride well enough is a bra. Besides he's right. It's easy to ride on a bluebird day.

I worked hard to earn those spurs, so I will enjoy this moment of hubris. And I had the kind of day that let me know I'm a rider. I was even keeping up with the teenagers and the twenty something dudes. I can ride deep powder and handle ice and moguls, I can make my way through "Portland concrete," when the snow gets like styrofoam and grabs your board. We had similar conditions in Juneau, AK where I learned to ride. I can ride black diamonds - both single and double. I even caught air and landed like I knew what I was doing yesterday. Maybe I will get confident enough to drop off a cliff - but I can't say I aspire to that.

The next time I go up I may ride like shit, but today I was out of my head and in my body - for me, that is always such a treat. It is so rare that I'm ever fully in the moment and full with the moment. But a good day of riding always takes me there. Today, my board was a part of me and making my way down those slopes was effortless. Where the powder was, it was deep and the turns were soft slices, almost silent. I was one with my board, the snow and the other riders and skiiers around me. It was bliss.

"You just feel your ride."

That advice came from a friend that I rode with every day in that season when I finally got over the hump of intermediate beginnerhood and really learned how to ride a snowboard. And today, I really did. Felt my ride.

Thanks for reading.

Ecstatic Dance

Ecstatic Dance - Celebrate Your Body and Free Your Soul!

"Everybody's sober????"

Aaahhh.... the remark that started it all. Yes, everybody is. And it's on Sundays. And it's in the morning. Sacred Circle Ecstatic Dance. Tis a splendiferous state of being to find bliss in sobriety. Hold your space and feel your energy before sharing it with others; be in your body and use all of what you've got to move to the groove and become one with the beat. Before you know it, you'll be busting out sweet stuff you didn't even know you had in you.

Don't think this is the same as dancing in a nightclub; this is a different experience. If you make the connection between your heart and mind and body to the rhythm of the music, you might feel the tingle of chi and the growth of your aura. And if you rrreeaallllyyyy get lucky, you might experience the sensation of your soul leaving your body. Or you might simply have a good time dancing in a room full of everybody from little kids to the grandmas and grandpas - all who are living in the yummy, high from nothing but their unique ecstatic dance, the dialogue between their bodies and the music.

And who knows the magic that may ensue, the sex that might get better - hell, the sex that might actually happen and probably often does. Just not on the dance floor. After all, everybody's sober and making mindful choices. So come on out and get in touch with your inner touchy-feely-hippie-dippy-unicorns-and-rainbows self and give it a whirl! If a sweet girl straight out of the Midwest can jump right in, then why can't the rest of you? I dare you to try it.

Taking another break from writing about self-publishing to write about things that inspire me to write. The above was a post I wrote for an event for a social group I belong to on Meetup.com. It was one of those moments when I was stunned with how afraid most people are of something different. That kind of self-conscious fear makes no sense to me, because why wouldn't anybody try something that has the potential to increase their joy? What better way to both end and start off your week by being in your body? What could possibly be a better way to both celebrate and worship the joy of being alive. There were several people who answered, but only a few showed up. We had fun though, and that didn't stop me from posting the following week.

Ecstatic Dance, then Brekkies

"So, how was Erotic Dance?"

"No, not erotic dance. It's Ecstatic Dance." (And oh LAWDY! Where is your mind at?)

Sacred Circle. This ain't no nightclub dance. On Sunday morning, find a blissful way to let go of the tensions and worries of the past week, while embracing the possibilities of the new. Get into your sweet spot and deep into your groove. Unite your body with your heart, marry your mind with your soul, immerse yourself in the Divine before coming back to your body, your breath, having touched the sacred space within you. And afterwards we can go out and have breakfast or brunch.

On that week, only the 3 of us were there that knew we loved it. One of them - who has a very exhibitionistic side to her announced at closing circle that she had her first orgasm without any stimulation of her clit - yes, those were her exact words - and that she had everybody in the room to thank for it. Now, why would anybody want to turn that down?

The Evolution of Character

Both a blessing and a bane (no pun intended towards the extremely talented artist I'm working with) about self-publishing is having the power to make all the decisions - because I enjoy picking and choosing and having the strongest voice in the process. But it's also more responsibility and more time that I lose doing all the picking and choosing. And I have to multi-task, not my long suit. But everything is really coming together and the character sketches are now just right.

After the first cover comp, I asked Dennis aka BANE at banedarkart.com to make Ella Bandita's 3/4 portrait consistent with her full face portrait. I just decided that the rawness of her features was consistent with the character, who is not considered "beautiful." She's considered "ugly" in the story and her cover image needs to be believable. Check it out.

BANE at banedarkart.com

This is much better, and her image fit the new cover concept so much better. But I was hoping for a more fierce look in her eyes, closer to the one in her original 3/4 portrait. The cold ferocity of her stare was just perfect.

BANE at banedarkart.com

Here, he's getting closer. I liked the shading around the eyes, but the pretty factor keeps coming back. What is it with men?! He admitted to using higher cheekbones and a sharper nose to create the stare, but I suggested he use just the shading and leave her features raw and blunt. And here is the final result:

BANE at banedarkart.com

Now that's more like it. There's my bitch!

Dennis was still kind of stumped on the Wanderer, but Katie - the first graphic designer who bailed once she got a loan to write for a year - sent on a pic of an old boyfriend because she felt he had the essence of the Wanderer. And the missing piece was all that was needed. The over-soft innocence was gone and Dennis was able to make the Wanderer sexy!

BANE at banedarkart.com

I wouldn't kick him out of bed! If you'd like to see the previous versions, check out earlier posts. It's not as if I have that many!

Pieces Coming Together

In the last few days, I've met with two graphic designers to split the logo/business cards/bookmarks and designing POD version of book. I've talked to a website designer over the phone and we have tentative plans to meet next week. He should be able to get on the Ella Bandita site right away, and the Freedom Junkie Press site right afterwards. He also wants to try his hand at ebook conversion and hopefully he will do a good job.

I just got the last part of the manuscript last night, and I just need to correct his corrections, and heed some of his advice and the manuscript is good to go.

Yes, it's a pain in the butt to do this piecemeal, but I think it's going to be okay. It's exhausting, and I think I'm making decisions simply because I'm sick of looking for the right people. It's coming together though. A little at a time.

Kind of a relief. More on the cool artwork later. That's the part I'm really enjoying.

The Power of Conscience

I need to take a break from writing about self-publishing. Ironically enough, I feel compelled to write about the subject that stumped me so much I neglected this blog for a year and a half. I was stumped because I wanted to write about an author I met at a writer's conference, but I didn't want to reveal who she was. The main reason was that she was a well-known mystery writer who had also been convicted for murder when she was a teenager. The crime of passion had been made into a movie, "Heavenly Creatures," giving Kate Winslet her first big role - she played the character of Juliet Hulme, who would later become Anne Perry. I highly recommend that movie - it was excellent and a pretty accurate depiction of the events that happened.

I actually read a few of her novels before finding out about this - namely, from her Inspector and Charlotte Pitt series. In the series, when we finally find out who the murderer was, there's often a sadness surrounding the incident and that somebody gave in to that animalistic brutality inside of them. I had also seen the movie and can still remember how heartsick I felt when the girls were leading Pauline's mother down the path where they would kill her, knowing that their actions were futile.

I think I went to this conference because I knew she was going to be there, and if there's any one person I'd love to interview, it would be Anne Perry. She has talked about the crime on one talk show in Britain and her obsessive friendship with Pauline Parker, but it's rare that she'll discuss these incidents. She was convicted at 16 and released 5 years later. The only reason she and Pauline Parker weren't given the death penalty were because they were to young under New Zealand law at the time. After her release, Juliet moved to England and changed her name to Anne Perry. She later settled in Scotland, and had a series of jobs and became published when she was around 40. She's now in her 70's and has a very successful writing career that most writers only dream about. She's never married - nor has Pauline Parker - she's known to be very reclusive with just a few friends around her. She's also very religious, having become a Mormon during her brief time living in the US. Almost 60 years have passed since she and her best friend killed the latter's mother. But what would that be like, to have taken somebody's life away and then be able to move on with yours?

At the conference, she gave a workshop titled: "What's it About?" and in the brochure, there was a general description about digging deep to find out where your stories are coming from. Her main topic in the workshop was forgiveness, forgiving others for their offenses, but also forgiving oneself. She made it clear that only God can judge, but that we as humans can forgive all. She also posed the question of forgiving the unforgivable - is it possible that anything could be if we are to forgive all? She then talked about one of the characters she's working on, who is planning to murder for the sake of saving her city or to protect the interests of the "greater good," and how she's justifying that in her mind.

Anne Perry was very soft-spoken. After a while I put down my pen and just listened and took her in. She was very intelligent and eloquent, and had a lot of depth. It was fairly brilliant the way she concluded her monologue on forgiveness into a segue of finding what our stories are about: "These are the questions you must ask yourself to find out what your story's about. If you dig deep enough, that's where the richest stories come from."

I was pretty out of it at the end of her workshop. She was intense and her subject matter was heavy. I was surprised to realize I'd had the questions answered I would have asked her if I'd had the chance. My friend who came with me to this workshop was pretty floored when I told her about the speaker's past. "Whoa," she said. "That certainly puts a whole new spin on everything she said about forgiveness." And it does. Murder is the one thing you can never make amends for. If you abuse somebody, it is possible to atone for it. You can apologize, you can do kind things for that person to make amends. If somebody is beaten or raped, they have a chance to heal - even if they are scarred by what happened, the victim still has their life to move on to. But if you kill, there's no giving that life back and there's no way to say "I'm sorry."

As Anne Perry was speaking, all I could think was: "You can never be free of this. This is a burden you carry with you all the time." Anne Perry couldn't even give a talk at a writers' conference more than 50 years later and not have it pervading her subject because it is in her all the time. Technically, her sentence was 5 years - seemingly short, given the violence of the crime. But the real prison is the one that takes place in her mind and heart, to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life. That is a prison she can never escape.

Love the Scenery, but the Posing? Not so much...

I'll say one thing for Dennis, he certainly knows how to research an area he's never been. He nailed the essence of woods in the Pacific Northwest and Southeast Alaska. But I think he may be too much in the habit of illustrating Beefcake and Babelicious characters. These is one of his first comps for the book cover photos. Time to plug the artist: BANE at banedarkart.com

The Wanderer is faceless in both of these because we haven't figured out what he's going to look like yet. But the ferocity of Ella Bandita's 3/4 profile was so much more powerful as just a portrait. And oh Lawdy! That pose! Too cool.

Here, she's in a huntress pose. But what is she hunting for? She looks very sexy, but the problem is she also looks a little too gorgeous. The point of the character is her animal magnetism. Here she looks like a supermodel. Or Michelle Pfeiffer in her prime.

I also don't care for it that the characters are not interacting with each other. What does Ella Bandita have to look so fierce about? Needless to say, I'm so glad I stopped Dennis before he kept going!