Struggling to Remain in Real Time

Hey y'all,

I think most, if not all, writers can relate to the problem of having too much imagination.  Imagination is valuable; we can't write the stories we do - whether truth or fiction - without it.  But it's hell on my personal life.  I have a lifetime habit of reading way too much into facial expressions, tonal inflections, the hidden meanings behind phrases, especially when I'm into somebody.  Needless to say, without going into the embarrassing details, I've made a fool out of myself so many times I don't even bother with the narcissism of self-consciousness anymore.  Not that I don't appreciate the unexpected side benefit of falling on my face so many times, it would just be nice to stop falling on my face.

My therapist (of course, I go to therapy) refers to it as stepping out of real time. Fact. Interpretation. Story.  Well, my mind jumps from fact to story in a split second without stopping to question if my interpretation is correct. I'm in the habit of skimming the surface of interpretation to immerse myself in a story I've created that is seldom the story that is actually happening in real time. According to my therapist, in real time one sticks with the facts and doesn't go too far past interpretation and lets the story unfold.  At least, I think that's what she meant.  And I'm writing all this over a couple of long, lingering hugs and a brief conversation that took place within the confines of intimate personal space of 0-18 inches instead of the social personal space of 2-3 feet.  All that made my imagination spin out and woke me up to the realization that I was in one of those crushes that just kind of snuck up on me.

But I'm not going into the details lest I embarrass myself yet again.  I'm struggling to remain with the facts and see if a juicy love story unfolds in Real Time.

How Do I Become an Outlier After a Late Start in the Game?

Hey y'all,

I'm reading the book "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladstone and I find it both brilliant and informative as well as disheartening.  He did a brilliant job of making me see success differently and the advantages I have in this project I'm undertaking that intimidates the hell out of me.  His book also has shown me the huge disadvantages I have - the most serious mistake was not running with my inclination to really pursue my writing career through forming an Indie-publishing community that I had almost 7 years ago.  At the time, everybody around me pooh-poohed the idea, saying it already been done, there's a stigma to self-publishing - which I'd already noticed being on the road for a few months, etc.  If I had gone with that, I might have hit the wave of ebook self-publishing through Amazon as it was climbing instead of trying to catch the wave that's at its peak. Definitely my bad that I didn't listen to my own inner voice.  Because now I have a long way to go to build up my 10,000 hours of expertise, not in writing but in the business of self-promotion.

So yeah, how do I make an impact now that I'm following the herd instead of blazing the trail? Some ideas are to combine internet presence, which I flounder at with in-person events - open mikes, storytelling, and I guess the public market.  On top of that, I'm frozen right now and not moving as fast as I should - worrying about other issues that are beyond my control, and generally putting my frame of mind in a less than empowered state.  So I guess, I'm coming to bellyache to any stranger willing to stop by and read what I have to say.  Is being this honest really "building" an internet presence?  Or is it free therapy?    

Everybody Wants to be Popular

It's been a few weeks since I last blogged.  I guess I've been kind of stumped on how my "theme" is evolving and want I want to do with it, and of course, what I want to receive from this.  I'm getting closer to finally embarking on the next phase in self-publishing that I will now refer to as DIY or Indie Publishing.  I met with another graphic designer and website designer - she must be the top in her field for what she charges and how she lives.  She certainly wasn't hungry for my business and I suspect I'm not even minor league in her book - more like the pee-wee league.  But that's okay, because the initial meeting was free and she challenged me to figure out what I wanted to my website to look like and to figure that out.  The website that this blog will ultimately be a part of, unless I go with Wordpress. 


Ironically enough, it was seeing pictures of the "popular" group on Facebook that crystallized what I want out of this.  I swear to God I think I need to do a FB cleanse, so often what I see on that site puts me in a bad mood and even stirs up my insecurities.  Not exactly the kind of encouragement I need at this time.  The pictures were of a woman and her husband, a very talented bluegrass musician, getting ready for their recording on the resurrected Putumayo music label.  (FYI, I am so glad to hear that company has revamped!) At first, it really got in my craw for a moment.  One on one, most of these people are quite lovely and likable, but once they come together as a group, their individual humanity disappears and they morph into phenomenon of a clique, and an exclusive clique where most people aren't accepted, and who feed off the natural hurt that happens when somebody is rejected for no good reason at all.  I knew this group when I lived in a small town and an isolated town in SE Alaska. In places such as this, cliques like these have far more power than they deserve because there's not enough variety to be able to ignore them.  I have since moved on to a bigger place, as have they.  They're doing quite well.  They should, really.  They know how to work power.


When I saw that picture, for a moment I believed that that is what it takes to be successful in this world - to have people support you in the pursuit of your dreams.  I know I don't have that group and that support, and for a moment, I despaired.  For a moment, I thought why even bother?  And then I got pissed.  Not at them, but at myself.  And in that moment, that's when I knew what I wanted Freedom Junkie Press to stand for.  I want Freedom Junkie Press to stand for the Lone Wolf, for the individual who doesn't fit into cliques because such people are too compelled to follow the rhythm of a different drummer.  For now, Freedom Junkie Press is a community of one, but I know I'm not alone.  I know there must be others who feel as I do and who want what I want, and who share the same vision. 


Thank you for reading.

The God Pan as Box Man

Blast from the Past from the good ole Alaska Days....

Hey y'all,

Since I don't have a common theme to play with today
and there are lots of images I haven't found space to
include, consider this a rummage sale of moments,
stories, and such that I've seen and heard while on
the road.

But let's start with the god Pan, the avatar of
drunken debauchery and profligate fucking from the
pagan days of multiple-god worship that was turned
into the image of Satan by over-zealous Christians who
believed that the flavor of life should be colored by
many shades of gray. In case you haven't figured it
out, I am a blithering Tom Robbins fan and Jitterbug
Perfume gave the god Pan a major, if not starring
role, and the impression stuck.

Why do I mention this now?

Because I think it possible that the god Pan had to go
underground and reincarnate as a human being to
survive the attack, and although he has lost power,
his spirit still lives. And for some crazy damn
reason, I'm convinced his current incarnation is in
the form of Michael Pando, aka Pando to his friends.
For those of you who know Pando, this statement makes
total sense because he adores booze to the point of
alcoholism and young girls barely into the phase of
adulthood. Since he's lost god-status and
invincibility, he is weakened by his passions for the
party that doesn't stop and often winds up in jail.
Everybody who knows Pando has a half dozen outrageous
Pando stories to tell, which will become legend.

It is inevitable.

Love him or hate him, he is a character, but a
character challenged by finding his good space in this
world. He was chased out of Juneau due to a shoot out
with a psycho bum who had taken over the cabin he had
built.

That kind of thing, you know.

This past summer, Pando had a touristic rafting job
with an anal company - which seems to be the case with
many touristic companies in Alaska, you know. Anyway,
being himself, Pando got drunk one night and stole a
golf cart - buck nekkid - and had security chasing
him. To disguise himself, he put a box over his head
and hightailed it to safety.

Thus he became known throughout this camp as "Box
Man." Every so often, Box Man would make a naked
public appearance streaking through at the most random
moments and it wasn't long before he became legend as
the "Box Man," and the best part was that nobody knew
it was him. One day, he was talking to some dude from
some other country and the guy said with a thick
accent, "Box Man, I think he like Zorro. Box man, he
come for de peeple."

Can you just imagine hearing something like that about
yourself.

It wasn't long before Pando got putted out due to
failing a surprise piss test. Well, he had to make a
spectacular exit, didn't he? His people would expect
it of Box Man.

So one night, when everybody was at dinner, including
all the bosses, Box Man makes his final appearance,
nakedly running in with a box over him. He stops,
strips the box away and stands there bare ass and
cock, unmasked for all to see before streaking away
and packing up his shit to go.

He may have even been sober.

Since I've only heard about this through the
grape-vine, I may not have all the details straight.
But what the hell, it makes a good story.

The god Pan keeping the spirit alive....what do y'all
think?

Montgomery

Spoken Word Highs

I have a love-hate relationship with open mike events. I do these often to promote my work and I prefer the ones that are music centered for 2 reasons. First, I'm more likely to get a longer slot - anywhere from 15-20 minutes - which gives me more freedom to weave a tale, and second, the audience doesn't see me coming as a storyteller. It makes a nice break, especially if the musician before me isn't that good or even abysmal. It's especially gratifying when I win over that audience that isn't there to hear spoken word.

Also, most storytelling nowadays makes the audience completely passive; TV, movies, and even theatre provide the images for them. Many times folks have told me their parents never told them stories, or even read to them. I always savor the victory when I win over an indifferent audience and awaken that appreciation in them. DNA is on my side, for this art is so ancient, an appreciation for it is stored inside us, in our bones, muscles, and sinews. When somebody tells a story, a good raconteuse will describe things well enough that the pictures unfold in the mind of the listeners and thus, the audience participates.

I can always tell when somebody is drawn in. I can see in in the melting of the face and the widening of the eyes. The sensation is delicious whenever that happens. I can feel their focus, their energy feeding me in much the same way thin slivers of streams feed a bigger tributary and making its current stronger. When I'm "on" and in the flow, that energy coming may way makes for the sweetest high, and I'll float on that for the rest of the night. Even if I'm in a miserable state of mind when I begin, so long as I hit that wave at its crest and ride the story to its end, I can leave the microphone feeling that all is right with my world.

Sure beats Prozac.

The Rumors are True: Writers Hate Editors, and Vice Versa I'm Sure

Being frozen is an interesting thing. Every time I went to my manuscript after paying somebody to copyedit and proofread it, I ended up in a surly mood. Which made me procrastinate. Which made me freeze up even more. It especially pissed me off when I found the typos and misspellings the editor made, the mistakes the editor missed as well as the mistakes the editor made in his less than stellar corrections of mine. There was the presumptuous insertion of his word choices over mine - after I told him I found that kind of thing invasive.

I'm glad I chose to go over what he did, instead of just accepting his changes. Some of his changes were good and some of his suggestions were helpful. I also found places where the story needed bolstering and I finally got the the first page back to its power, instead of the watered down version due to too many rewrites, too much polishing, and too many "constructive criticisms." The first chapter is often over polished and bloodless because it is the part of a novel that gets worked over the most.

In all, I do not believe I made the best choice amongst the freelance editors who answered my Craigslist ad. I picked the editor who shall remain nameless, not because he had the most impressive credentials or even experience with editing book-length works or novels. I chose him because I did like his work on the sample he did from the manuscript and he seemed so enthusiastic, even eager, over the chance to edit a novel. It bums me out every time I come across a section where his changes were superfluous or where he clearly got lazy. It bums me out that he lost passion for my novel, and it shows. I do not believe I got the best value for the money I paid him. Needless to say, I will not be contacting him on future projects. Nor will I recommend him.

Oh well... I guess he had a problem with a heart-stealing seductress as the main character. Perhaps her appetite put him off a bit. Mistakes are inevitable in a process like this and I suppose it's all about learning. On the upside, this bad choice in a freelance editor made me appreciate the freelance artist who on the cover illustrations all the more. His real name is Dennis, but his professional name is BANE. I also found him on Craigslist. I sure hit the jackpot that day.

Almost Final Cover

I think my favorite aspect of self-publishing is choosing the artist I want to work with. Everything else is not going as smoothly, but working with Dennis is such a pleasure. I mean how many people go to the trouble of showing their thought processes in creating a nice composition like he does? See below:

BANE @banedarkart.com

Here, Dennis shows the movement of the image, how everything swirls to point to the main protagonist, the anti-shero, Ella Bandita. I especially like the way he's aligned her hands with her leg, the Wanderer's eye, and his hand. Although this image of the Wanderer isn't exactly compatible with his character sketch, I like it that we can see him and it's close enough. The illustration has a nice flow and I love the way the eye is drawn into the image. He did a great job of getting back the basic integrity of his original composition.

BANE@banedarkart.com

Here, he went back to her original stance, which I liked in his first drafts. But here, her leg doesn't seem as muscular. She doesn't seem as solid in her stance. He reminded me in the original draft, she wasn't completely anatomically correct yet. I also want the swirl to be brighter.

BANE@banedarkart.com

Here, he emphasizes her lunged pose because it makes her more dynamic, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. He also uses a green swirl of magic because it's brighter and easier to do than a multi-color swirl. It turns out there's also not enough room at the top of the image to fit the title, which is rather long: "Ella Bandita and the Wanderer." There's more than enough room for my name at the bottom, however. After a few adjustments, I'm putting it to a vote on my Facebook page.

But I'm loving how this is turning out!

I Have the Mountain

People are disappointing, but at least I have the mountain. I had some of the best snowboarding I've had in years yesterday in a storm that was reaching blizzard proportions. It's pretty incredible to me that they even let us up there and as always on a snowy windy day, it was fresh tracks every day.

But that's not the reason why I'm taking yet another break from the annals of self-publishing - where I've hit a wall of my own making anyway. I wanted to write about the relief it is to get out of my head and into the elements and be in my body. Because when it's that intense, I don't have a choice but to get out of my despondency and deal with my immediate world. The first few runs yesterday, I was so upset I was actually crying. But it wasn't the weather that was psyching me out. It was people. People I trusted and had affection for. People who I offered much of myself to and supported and was kind. I did not get that kind of affection and friendship and support and appreciation in return. What I got was a kick in the teeth and that's putting it mildly. I really hurt due to the actions and self-centeredness and narcissistic stupidity of lesser women who I thought were my friends. I found out they weren't.

So yesterday on the mountain, I was crying over these bitches. I wasn't in my body at all. I was in my mind, in my incessant brooding over the questions: Why? How could they? How dare they treat me like that? In the meantime, the wind was blowing so hard, snowflakes were making a white out. I couldn't see the snow or the trees or anything else; I couldn't find my place in space. It's hard to find your balance when everything is white. Where am I in this world? And I fell over and over again. For a few runs, it was like this.

And then it became sweet. I realized I just to let it go and be in the space I was in right now and that space was beautiful. The wind was bitter against my face, the snow was intimidating, the white was endless. But I found my groove and I can't remember the last time I moved so freely through the powder. It was effortless. I was riding through the steep and the deep, and moving fast and I felt like I was hardly using any energy at all. I just couldn't stop riding and before I knew it, I was hooting and hollering and having a grand old time. I knew I would always be okay if I can always have moments and days like this. Nobody else matters when I'm riding like that. I even made last chair with 2 minutes to spare. And that run was the sweetest of all.

Today I feel much better. I will never again be friends with anybody who doesn't think I'm awesome. Nobody should, really.

Thank you for reading.

Getting Fried Whines and Snivels

Now that I have everything broken up in pieces, I'm starting to get pretty fried with setting everything up for self-publishing. I'm frustrated with the graphic designer I've hired for the logo and the drawings for the Freedom Junkie Press site - because it's clear that he just doesn't get it with what I'm looking for. The website designer I've hired to do both websites - EllaBandita.com and FreedomJunkiePress.com has admitted he has little experience with Wordpress, which I was planning on using for EllaBandita.com. I'm not thrilled with the work the freelance editor has done, and have even found a few mistakes he missed and a few mistakes he added as I'm scouring his version of things. And Dennis, my revered and valued artist also known as BANE, has sent me the cover concepts for the first novelette - one I like, the other I don't - but at the same time, it'll work for the website as an image of toughness. Anyway, I'm just feeling a little cranky and overwhelmed and thrust in the middle of doing things I'm not particularly good at, namely multi-tasking and being in charge.

Of course, other than blogging, I'm not writing right now. Sigh...

Three Steps Closer and Two Steps Back, but Getting Closer to Final Cover!

When Dennis sent me the next round of cover concepts, I nearly fell out of my chair! Now this is more like it!

BANE at banedarkart.com

Instead of portraits of the two characters, we both decided to use a scene instead for the cover. This is the moment just before Ella Bandita steals the Wanderer's heart. As a whole, Ella Bandita looks amazing here - he really captured her essence. But there's no need for her to be holding her dagger in her other hand - she's not stealing his heart so she can stab it. On his website, I've found that Dennis really likes to put sharp knives in the hands of women - go figure. And where's the Wanderer? That figure with his back to us could be anybody, and after all the effort to get the Wanderer right, I didn't want him to go to waste. I asked Dennis if he could find a way to turn the Wanderer to face the reader, but still keep him trapped in the swirl of magic.

And this is one that Dennis sent me next:

BANE at banedarkart.com

I asked Dennis to extend her hand out, Ella Bandita in readiness to receive the heart she's about to steal. But with the Wanderer in profile, it's not much of an improvement because you still can't see him. And in that pose, he looks like a doofus. But the next one is... well, you'll see.

BANE at banedarkart.com

And here, the Wanderer does not look like the Wanderer in his portrait and he looks like a character out of a zombie movie - which would be fine, if he were any of her other conquests. But he's not. The Wanderer is the only conquest that does not lose his personality and his will after Ella Bandita steals his heart. I also didn't like the shift in perspective - I loved the composition in his original concepts above - I felt like my eye was totally drawn into the scene, and these didn't seem nearly as balanced. Dennis reassured me that he hadn't meant to work the Wanderer in and was working with a generic male face and would make adjustments once I was happy with the final image. He also explained the reasons why I preferred the original composition as creating a circle around Ella Bandita with the moon, the shape of the tree to her left and the curve of the Wanderer towards her. As soon as he explained it to me, I saw it. We talked some more and he said he'd work a few days on some ideas to find that balance between the Wanderer's visibility and the circular composition that was so compelling.

As I said, we're getting closer!

Feel Your Ride

I know I should get back to the details of writing and self publishing, but since I just had the kind of day that makes me grateful to be alive, there's no way I'm not going to blog about that.

I love snowboarding. I'm proud to call myself an addict. Today on Mt. Hood was the best powder day I've enjoyed in years. Everybody waxes eloquent over the bluebird days, but I think I prefer to ride while it's snowing and the wind is blowing. I have to get inside myself and not let the fear of nature's elements frighten me. It's pretty intimidating to be trying to make your way through winds so strong, sometimes I'm moving a bit backwards before going forwards. It's scary to go down a steep slope with wind and snow blowing in your face, making white out conditions, a strange kind of blindness. But that's when the magic begins. That's when I have to feel my ride and those are the moments I find out the snowboarder I really am. And the reward is a blissful ride, making fresh tracks all day long. Another benefit is that the beginners and the families and the fearful stay away on days like today.

"The wind keeps the pussies off the mountain."

So said a kid I rode up the lift with. He even fist bumped me to express fellowship and solidarity when I told him I liked riding during a storm. Doesn't matter whether you're male or female, snowboarding is a culture where everybody who can ride well enough is a bra. Besides he's right. It's easy to ride on a bluebird day.

I worked hard to earn those spurs, so I will enjoy this moment of hubris. And I had the kind of day that let me know I'm a rider. I was even keeping up with the teenagers and the twenty something dudes. I can ride deep powder and handle ice and moguls, I can make my way through "Portland concrete," when the snow gets like styrofoam and grabs your board. We had similar conditions in Juneau, AK where I learned to ride. I can ride black diamonds - both single and double. I even caught air and landed like I knew what I was doing yesterday. Maybe I will get confident enough to drop off a cliff - but I can't say I aspire to that.

The next time I go up I may ride like shit, but today I was out of my head and in my body - for me, that is always such a treat. It is so rare that I'm ever fully in the moment and full with the moment. But a good day of riding always takes me there. Today, my board was a part of me and making my way down those slopes was effortless. Where the powder was, it was deep and the turns were soft slices, almost silent. I was one with my board, the snow and the other riders and skiiers around me. It was bliss.

"You just feel your ride."

That advice came from a friend that I rode with every day in that season when I finally got over the hump of intermediate beginnerhood and really learned how to ride a snowboard. And today, I really did. Felt my ride.

Thanks for reading.

Ecstatic Dance

Ecstatic Dance - Celebrate Your Body and Free Your Soul!

"Everybody's sober????"

Aaahhh.... the remark that started it all. Yes, everybody is. And it's on Sundays. And it's in the morning. Sacred Circle Ecstatic Dance. Tis a splendiferous state of being to find bliss in sobriety. Hold your space and feel your energy before sharing it with others; be in your body and use all of what you've got to move to the groove and become one with the beat. Before you know it, you'll be busting out sweet stuff you didn't even know you had in you.

Don't think this is the same as dancing in a nightclub; this is a different experience. If you make the connection between your heart and mind and body to the rhythm of the music, you might feel the tingle of chi and the growth of your aura. And if you rrreeaallllyyyy get lucky, you might experience the sensation of your soul leaving your body. Or you might simply have a good time dancing in a room full of everybody from little kids to the grandmas and grandpas - all who are living in the yummy, high from nothing but their unique ecstatic dance, the dialogue between their bodies and the music.

And who knows the magic that may ensue, the sex that might get better - hell, the sex that might actually happen and probably often does. Just not on the dance floor. After all, everybody's sober and making mindful choices. So come on out and get in touch with your inner touchy-feely-hippie-dippy-unicorns-and-rainbows self and give it a whirl! If a sweet girl straight out of the Midwest can jump right in, then why can't the rest of you? I dare you to try it.

Taking another break from writing about self-publishing to write about things that inspire me to write. The above was a post I wrote for an event for a social group I belong to on Meetup.com. It was one of those moments when I was stunned with how afraid most people are of something different. That kind of self-conscious fear makes no sense to me, because why wouldn't anybody try something that has the potential to increase their joy? What better way to both end and start off your week by being in your body? What could possibly be a better way to both celebrate and worship the joy of being alive. There were several people who answered, but only a few showed up. We had fun though, and that didn't stop me from posting the following week.

Ecstatic Dance, then Brekkies

"So, how was Erotic Dance?"

"No, not erotic dance. It's Ecstatic Dance." (And oh LAWDY! Where is your mind at?)

Sacred Circle. This ain't no nightclub dance. On Sunday morning, find a blissful way to let go of the tensions and worries of the past week, while embracing the possibilities of the new. Get into your sweet spot and deep into your groove. Unite your body with your heart, marry your mind with your soul, immerse yourself in the Divine before coming back to your body, your breath, having touched the sacred space within you. And afterwards we can go out and have breakfast or brunch.

On that week, only the 3 of us were there that knew we loved it. One of them - who has a very exhibitionistic side to her announced at closing circle that she had her first orgasm without any stimulation of her clit - yes, those were her exact words - and that she had everybody in the room to thank for it. Now, why would anybody want to turn that down?

The Evolution of Character

Both a blessing and a bane (no pun intended towards the extremely talented artist I'm working with) about self-publishing is having the power to make all the decisions - because I enjoy picking and choosing and having the strongest voice in the process. But it's also more responsibility and more time that I lose doing all the picking and choosing. And I have to multi-task, not my long suit. But everything is really coming together and the character sketches are now just right.

After the first cover comp, I asked Dennis aka BANE at banedarkart.com to make Ella Bandita's 3/4 portrait consistent with her full face portrait. I just decided that the rawness of her features was consistent with the character, who is not considered "beautiful." She's considered "ugly" in the story and her cover image needs to be believable. Check it out.

BANE at banedarkart.com

This is much better, and her image fit the new cover concept so much better. But I was hoping for a more fierce look in her eyes, closer to the one in her original 3/4 portrait. The cold ferocity of her stare was just perfect.

BANE at banedarkart.com

Here, he's getting closer. I liked the shading around the eyes, but the pretty factor keeps coming back. What is it with men?! He admitted to using higher cheekbones and a sharper nose to create the stare, but I suggested he use just the shading and leave her features raw and blunt. And here is the final result:

BANE at banedarkart.com

Now that's more like it. There's my bitch!

Dennis was still kind of stumped on the Wanderer, but Katie - the first graphic designer who bailed once she got a loan to write for a year - sent on a pic of an old boyfriend because she felt he had the essence of the Wanderer. And the missing piece was all that was needed. The over-soft innocence was gone and Dennis was able to make the Wanderer sexy!

BANE at banedarkart.com

I wouldn't kick him out of bed! If you'd like to see the previous versions, check out earlier posts. It's not as if I have that many!

Pieces Coming Together

In the last few days, I've met with two graphic designers to split the logo/business cards/bookmarks and designing POD version of book. I've talked to a website designer over the phone and we have tentative plans to meet next week. He should be able to get on the Ella Bandita site right away, and the Freedom Junkie Press site right afterwards. He also wants to try his hand at ebook conversion and hopefully he will do a good job.

I just got the last part of the manuscript last night, and I just need to correct his corrections, and heed some of his advice and the manuscript is good to go.

Yes, it's a pain in the butt to do this piecemeal, but I think it's going to be okay. It's exhausting, and I think I'm making decisions simply because I'm sick of looking for the right people. It's coming together though. A little at a time.

Kind of a relief. More on the cool artwork later. That's the part I'm really enjoying.

The Power of Conscience

I need to take a break from writing about self-publishing. Ironically enough, I feel compelled to write about the subject that stumped me so much I neglected this blog for a year and a half. I was stumped because I wanted to write about an author I met at a writer's conference, but I didn't want to reveal who she was. The main reason was that she was a well-known mystery writer who had also been convicted for murder when she was a teenager. The crime of passion had been made into a movie, "Heavenly Creatures," giving Kate Winslet her first big role - she played the character of Juliet Hulme, who would later become Anne Perry. I highly recommend that movie - it was excellent and a pretty accurate depiction of the events that happened.

I actually read a few of her novels before finding out about this - namely, from her Inspector and Charlotte Pitt series. In the series, when we finally find out who the murderer was, there's often a sadness surrounding the incident and that somebody gave in to that animalistic brutality inside of them. I had also seen the movie and can still remember how heartsick I felt when the girls were leading Pauline's mother down the path where they would kill her, knowing that their actions were futile.

I think I went to this conference because I knew she was going to be there, and if there's any one person I'd love to interview, it would be Anne Perry. She has talked about the crime on one talk show in Britain and her obsessive friendship with Pauline Parker, but it's rare that she'll discuss these incidents. She was convicted at 16 and released 5 years later. The only reason she and Pauline Parker weren't given the death penalty were because they were to young under New Zealand law at the time. After her release, Juliet moved to England and changed her name to Anne Perry. She later settled in Scotland, and had a series of jobs and became published when she was around 40. She's now in her 70's and has a very successful writing career that most writers only dream about. She's never married - nor has Pauline Parker - she's known to be very reclusive with just a few friends around her. She's also very religious, having become a Mormon during her brief time living in the US. Almost 60 years have passed since she and her best friend killed the latter's mother. But what would that be like, to have taken somebody's life away and then be able to move on with yours?

At the conference, she gave a workshop titled: "What's it About?" and in the brochure, there was a general description about digging deep to find out where your stories are coming from. Her main topic in the workshop was forgiveness, forgiving others for their offenses, but also forgiving oneself. She made it clear that only God can judge, but that we as humans can forgive all. She also posed the question of forgiving the unforgivable - is it possible that anything could be if we are to forgive all? She then talked about one of the characters she's working on, who is planning to murder for the sake of saving her city or to protect the interests of the "greater good," and how she's justifying that in her mind.

Anne Perry was very soft-spoken. After a while I put down my pen and just listened and took her in. She was very intelligent and eloquent, and had a lot of depth. It was fairly brilliant the way she concluded her monologue on forgiveness into a segue of finding what our stories are about: "These are the questions you must ask yourself to find out what your story's about. If you dig deep enough, that's where the richest stories come from."

I was pretty out of it at the end of her workshop. She was intense and her subject matter was heavy. I was surprised to realize I'd had the questions answered I would have asked her if I'd had the chance. My friend who came with me to this workshop was pretty floored when I told her about the speaker's past. "Whoa," she said. "That certainly puts a whole new spin on everything she said about forgiveness." And it does. Murder is the one thing you can never make amends for. If you abuse somebody, it is possible to atone for it. You can apologize, you can do kind things for that person to make amends. If somebody is beaten or raped, they have a chance to heal - even if they are scarred by what happened, the victim still has their life to move on to. But if you kill, there's no giving that life back and there's no way to say "I'm sorry."

As Anne Perry was speaking, all I could think was: "You can never be free of this. This is a burden you carry with you all the time." Anne Perry couldn't even give a talk at a writers' conference more than 50 years later and not have it pervading her subject because it is in her all the time. Technically, her sentence was 5 years - seemingly short, given the violence of the crime. But the real prison is the one that takes place in her mind and heart, to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life. That is a prison she can never escape.

Love the Scenery, but the Posing? Not so much...

I'll say one thing for Dennis, he certainly knows how to research an area he's never been. He nailed the essence of woods in the Pacific Northwest and Southeast Alaska. But I think he may be too much in the habit of illustrating Beefcake and Babelicious characters. These is one of his first comps for the book cover photos. Time to plug the artist: BANE at banedarkart.com

The Wanderer is faceless in both of these because we haven't figured out what he's going to look like yet. But the ferocity of Ella Bandita's 3/4 profile was so much more powerful as just a portrait. And oh Lawdy! That pose! Too cool.

Here, she's in a huntress pose. But what is she hunting for? She looks very sexy, but the problem is she also looks a little too gorgeous. The point of the character is her animal magnetism. Here she looks like a supermodel. Or Michelle Pfeiffer in her prime.

I also don't care for it that the characters are not interacting with each other. What does Ella Bandita have to look so fierce about? Needless to say, I'm so glad I stopped Dennis before he kept going!

Following Hunches - I'm so Glad I Did!

Finding the artist was easy - probably due to beginner's luck, but finding the right graphic designer for the websites is starting to feel like a quest for the Holy Grail. After losing the first one to her own writing dreams, it was a relief to find the second who was clearly skilled and talented, and with a wide range of experience. The only thing I didn't like about her during our meeting was a criticism - and an unnecessary, inaccurate criticism - about BANE's work. To me, it seemed she was undermining the work of another artist, as well as our collaboration going back and forth on getting Ella Bandita's expression right.

So for her to show signs of unreliability at the very beginning of our working relationship was... stunning, actually. She never acknowledged that she flaked and never apologized. She definitely tried to make up for it by doing up a mock website, but she also got ahead of herself. I'm sure this method has worked for her often in the past, while protecting her ego, but the way she handled it made me really uncomfortable. But she was talented and skilled and it's such a pain in the ass to look for another designer, and maybe communicating would help smooth things over. Yet I didn't have a good feeling about this. I saw a lot of butting heads and relying on somebody who has already shown herself to be unreliable and who has not proven her accountability - in a nutshell, somebody who'd increase my level of stress in an area where I'm the weakest - the Internet. I was thinking that I was embarking on not just 1 but 2 websites that would form the hub of my "online presence" that is not considered so necessary to market myself. And I was thinking this is going to be an ongoing working relationship. Do I really want to build a working relationship that is already off to a bumpy start? When I really don't have to?

So, I didn't. I was stumped. I had to think about it for 2 days - and finally decided after two days that this wouldn't work. She had to nudge me before I got back to her. She sent me an email asking if I'd gotten her estimate - the same estimate it took her three days to get to me. I think I was fair. I wrote her back and detailed to her my thought process in coming to my decision, and that I regretted it. I wasn't sure if I was even doing the right thing, but I just didn't feel good about working with her anymore. And it was her job to keep rapport with me. I'm the client. It's not my job to understand her and give her another chance if I don't want to. Later that evening, I posted on Craigslist in gigs - this time breaking the job down in two. In Creative, I advertised for a graphic designer for the book cover and interior - someone who could also convert the manuscript to the Kindle, Nook, iPad, etc. And in Computer, I posted for a website designer. Within an hour, the Book Cover post had been flagged and within a few hours, the Website Designer post had been flagged. I used much of the same verbage in those as I had used in the post where we met. Perhaps it was a coincidence, and somebody else other than the woman I just let go was the one who had my posts removed. But I don't think so.

How many times have we heard horror stories where somebody goes through trials and tribulations on the path to getting royally screwed, only to have the tale of woe conclude with: "And there were problems from the very beginning. I just didn't feel comfortable and wish I'd gone with that..."

Yeah. I'm feeling pretty good about the bullet I just dodged.

Getting the Characters Right... as well as the Collaborators.

Dennis - Artist's name is BANE at banedarkart.com - is a pleasure to work with. And he's been very patient with me in getting the character sketches right because I've made him go over a lot. That's one thing I like about self-publishing is choosing who I want to work with. I still haven't decided on how to handle the website/graphic designer. I still haven't communicated with her my concerns - or made a decision one way or the other to work with her or look for yet another website designer. Which kind of sucks. On the other hand, why work with somebody who may only increase my stress? Especially when I have a choice?

But now for the fun stuff. The subtle changes to transform my characters as I want them: Starting with his original sketches:

I loved the 3/4 profile of Ella Bandita. The Wanderer was all wrong - this dude looks ready to slay dragons!

Here, I asked Dennis to widen her mouth, make her hair more golden and less washed out, as well as make her look less weary and defeated. The changes are subtle, but I like it.

And now for the Wanderer. He needs to be softened up a bit, so I sent Dennis photos of a kid I was in massage school with who died tragically because Jude had the "right eyes."

But he looks way too soft and innocent here. Given that an explicit sex scene will happen between the two characters, the Wanderer needs to look sexy enough that Ella Bandita would want to sleep with him.

But it's a fun process, yeah? I'm enjoying this!

Self Publishing Soapbox

Hey y'all,

Perhaps I'm feeling the unrealistic optimism of a new dawn. As I get closer and closer to the time when I will get the softcover version ready for print on demand and the first novelette ready for Amazon, and other ebook reader apps, I'm excited for how much things have changed for writers in the last 7 years since I first hit the road with my collection, "Ella Bandita and other stories." I remember somebody telling me I needed to start a blog and thinking, "Huh?" And then my email journal became a blog for JuneauMusic.com and a lot of folks in Juneau who hadn't been on my email list got to read about it.

I also remember the discomfort of a lot of agents and editors over what Amazon was doing. Bully or not, love them or hate them, they've turned traditional upside down on its ass and the authors that are getting out of their contracts and leaving the big 6 behind - and think of how many hoops they had to jump through in order to get there - definitely prove that things are changing so fast, and even if I have to work my ass off online and in person and in life to get my stuff out there, it is possible to be successful at this.

As far as appealing to the traditional publishers/agents/editors are concerned, I've accrued 40 rejections. And that's nothing compared to what many authors go through. But plenty of my rejection letters state something about the "realities of the publishing marketplace." Yeah. They're not exactly clamoring for new writers. But that's not what gets to me. What gets to me more than anything else around traditional publishing is the elitist bullshit behind it. I feel like I'm back in high school, trying to gain acceptance into the popular crowd. Don't get me wrong, I've met a lot of nice people in this field through all the conferences I've attended, the pitches I've made, and my work has been rejected very kindly and with a few flattering notes. But the dynamic is whacked - it's stifling, there's nothing expansive about it. So how can unique stories or new voices find a stage? Where's the room to grow or open to new ideas? In a pitch session, I was expected to compare my work to others - so they could get a sense of what it was about or what pigeonhole to stick me in. It never occurred to them that the influence behind my work was stuff I'd read so long ago, I could never remember where it came from. But what was most troubling was that they expected imitation.

Another problem with publishing really, is that the privileged have taken it over. I don't remember the exact wording of his quote and Tolstoy is hardly my favorite of the classic authors, but I remember he said that Great art is created by extremely unhappy people... And as much as I hate to admit it, he's right. I know my best stories come from my darkest hours and my most excruciating pain. Go to a writer's conference and I'm confronted with an agent or editor who often was educated at an Ivy School, had to compete pretty brutally to get the job they had, and very likely came from an upper-middle class background with some level of stability/conformity that set the standard for family life and where that family fit in the community. Nothing wrong with that, and I wish I had come from that kind of background. But I didn't. And my work reflects that. But a lot of people don't and my work is for them. So how are these people going to see me or "get it" about my work. They haven't and they don't.

This attitude has poisoned contemporary writing. I've practically given up on fiction because so many times I've gotten into a story only to have it collapse by the middle, and end in a mess of hastily tied loose strings - often times that were never connected to begin with. And how many conferences have I gone to where I heard that my "first fifty pages have to be perfect." And that's what's happening with writers - they're so obsessed with getting their first 50 immaculate instead of building a wonderful story as a cohesive whole.

Enough of my rant. I've checked out some of the self-pubbed authors on Amazon. Some of the writing is really deplorable, other writing has potential is really green, still others is pretty good. But good for them for putting their stuff out there and I love Amazon for giving them and me an opportunity to do so. They've provided a stage where my voice can be heard - whether the audience is one or one hundred or one hundred thousand or even a million, a million+, they've really empowered the lone writers like me and the readers who now have the potential to find us.

Collaboration can be a Beautiful Thing, but...

Hey y'all,

It's weird for me to be the "boss," as I'm looking for others to work with who are strong where I am not, and deciding who is a good fit and who is not. Already, I've lost my original website/graphic designer, who got a loan to do her own writing. And I've turned down two people - a graphic designer and freelance editor - that I had every intention of hiring until I talked to them over the phone for personality clash reasons more than anything else. I'm now considering letting go of another before we get started - again personality clash, but she's also showing signs of flakiness. Given that she's in charge of designing not just one, but two websites - the hub of the online presence that is so necessary to be successful in self-publishing - that makes me really nervous. Especially because she's being awfully high-handed in what is likely to be overcompensating. I don't appreciate her telling the illustrator I've hired what to do, without checking in with me first.

She's good, and her prices are fair. She's also capable of doing everything I need her to. But will it be a pleasure to work with her? Or will this arm of collaboration only add to my stress? But if I let her go, I have to start all over again finding somebody else and that is such a pain in the a**.

This is a new role for me. And it's interesting.

Adventures in Self-Publishing!!!

Hey y’all,

I know it's been a ridiculous amount of time since I posted, but I'm back. And I'm back to adventures in self-publishing. It’s a lot of responsibility and work, but I love the freedom of it, and I can do this how I want to. With the internet and the ebook explosion, there is more opportunities now than ever before for a self-published – ahem, I mean indie author to do things in his/her own way.

For instance, choosing the artist to do the illustration for Ella Bandita and the Wanderer. I put a post up on Craigslist that went like this:

“In a nutshell, I’ve written a novel and am looking to self-publish. I need an artist to design 1 book cover for both e-book publishing and print on demand. And I may need 4 more book covers for e-book if I decide to release the novel in 4 parts. The novel is fantasy – in the style of folklore/fairy tale/fables of pre-Industrial Europe. In other words, think of Vagabonds, Courtesans, horses, guns, talismans, and magic – the past, not the future. I prefer a finer-detailed, realistic style and somebody who is an artist/illustrator first and a computer graphic designer second. If you also have experience with designing websites and linking one site to the next, that is not necessary, but it would be an outstanding bonus. As far as pay is concerned, of course I want to keep it within a reasonable budget, but I’m flexible as well as honest. This is most likely the ideal job for somebody who just finished school and is getting started in this field. I’m a DIY amateur learning as I go, and am looking for somebody awesome to collaborate with.

Please put “Book Cover” in the subject line and send a cover letter, resume, 1-3 samples of your work, what you charge, and a fair estimate of how long it will take you to finish the initial assignment of one book cover. I will contact those whose samples I like for an interview, and we’ll go from there.

Thank you for reading.”

I took the post down within 4 hours. Plenty of answers – everything from “I’ll do it for free!” with no samples to pretty talented amateurs, to the artist that I ultimately went with. Nobody could touch his work. BANE at banedarkart.com. I sent him some sample pieces of writing and a picture of Tom Brady and said:

“Make Tom Brady into a woman and that’s a good place to start with Ella Bandita.”

And did he ever come through in his first attempt!