This doesn't have much to do with writing - at least not directly - but since I'm pretty much in a holding pattern of waiting and more waiting when it comes to what I've already sent out, there's not much to tell anyway. But I think Shame has the potential to permeate all aspects of our lives, including writing. I definitely had an experience with an agent recently that applies...
This yoga class I'm taking, "Yoga and Body Image," was the last thing I expected. I thought it would be mostly yoga and some talk. But it's shaping up to be group therapy with a little yoga thrown in. And last night, we talked about Shame and how it is the center of our addictions and all we struggle with. Sarah Joy showed the cycle of Shame in addictive behavior. It was very insightful, and I think resonated with most of us. But what the angle that made me say AHA!!! was when she referred to times when others Shame us.
"Shame is not a feeling," she said. "It is an ongoing state of being. When others Shame us, it has to do with their own Shame."
In other words, the flaws we're accused of may have to do with their own. Or when you are doing well and reaching for something higher, how many times did somebody shoot you down? I was shocked at the way I was treated by my so-called "friends" when I came back from my book tour road trip. ** See freedomjunkiefables.blogspot.com **
I really wish I had this class around that time. I might have bounced back much sooner. As it was, I was devastated for three years and had to do the geographical cure to get to the next level. And even then, I needed to do the hermit and lick my wounds for a year before I felt ready to be myself again. The example Sarah Joy mentioned was Person A has a desire to be the center of attention - which we all do on some level or another - but Person A was taught in childhood that to be that and want that means self-absorption and narcissism. So Person A sees Person B as the center of attention. And even if Person B is not self-absorbed or narcissistic, just being themselves as they are, Person A is going to assume that and put that Shame on Person A as soon as they get the chance.
Here's my question, however. Given that Person A is the one with the deep rooted Shame, even if Person A succeeds in hooking into the hidden Shame in Person B and bringing that state of being out in them, what does Person A have for the long term? Is it a sense of victory or does the Shame come back to them and last longer?
As far as I'm concerned, this is one shit putting their stink on another. But is it effective? In my experience in the last ten years, I'm prone to writing letters to those who have done me harm describing - often times in a state of rage and sometimes in a clear state of mind - how their treatment made me feel and the effect it had on me. In other words, I sent the stink back and one memorable instance did not read the Shit's response. It was such a strong feeling I had to not open the email because I knew it would be horrible. So I deleted it without reading it and felt this tremendous sense of relief. And that's when I came up with the conclusion that when somebody does that to you, they're trying to put their stink on you.
So don't take the stink. And whenever you can, send it back to the Shit where it belongs.
That's all for now. Thanks for reading.
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