Toxic Friends

I've heard it's best to stick with my prescribed topics on writing and getting published, but I don't think it's possible to be a writer and not have a strong interest in people and the human condition. All of our experiences are fodder for what we do.

And if anybody who has done enough living has had some painful experiences involving people, particularly friends. Or I should say "friends." I just read a book, "Toxic Friends," by Susan Shapiro Barash who really does a thorough job of covering all the kinds of women we know and suffer through, and then the ones we should cherish. I may have tackled the subject a little differently, but in all, I think she did a thorough job, and her labeling system was open to flexibility. The Leader, Doormat, Sacrificer, Misery Lover (friends we tolerate), then The User, Trophy Friend, and Frenemy (those we ditch or who ditch us to be honest), and last but not least: The Mirroring Friend, Sharer, and Authentic Friend (those we keep), and hybrids of these categories make up the spectrum of women we have the potential to know and suffer through, and those to value after doing some serious growing up.

I definitely recognized people I've known, those who dropped me, those I dropped, and of course myself in both the wonderful and not so wonderful categories. It also gave me an understanding as to why women make the choices they make when it comes to "power" versus "principle," especially in unjust social situations. They are very few genuine heroes out there.

I've never been a Frenemy, but I lived through several. And I found it reassuring to realize I wasn't the only one who has made some serious mistakes in who I chose to give my energy to. I also found it interesting that in her conclusion, Barash pointed out that out of all those she interviewed 15% found their Authentic Friend (who was the jackpot, in the writer's and in my opinion) a burden, while 20% of others found their Users, Trophy Friends, Leaders (Queen Bee), and Doormats more important.

So, 35% of women use friendship as a means of status and social climbing than love, affection, respect, or genuine support. Well, it's not the majority, but 1/3 is still kind of disheartening, even if it explains a lot.

Decent read. I recommend it.

If you want, check out my other blog freedomjunkiefables at blogspot dot com, or just go into my profile and click on the other blog. It's a resurrection about my book tour road trip from a five years ago that will segue in due time to more recent adventures in the realm of writing. Thanks for reading.

Chicks with Bics, RIP

A few days ago, I started a meetup group for writers frantically searching for those who wanted feedback and support on a faster level - sending more pages, breaking up into smaller groups, etc. I searched for a group similar to the one I was looking for in Portland and found nothing... Until I paid the money and committed for 6 months, then I found and established group that was exactly what I was looking for and here in Portland, no less. And then somebody I met at a conference called me up to join hers.

I guess setting intention really does count, but this really makes me miss the Chicks with Bics. I knew we had something special when we had it - how could I not with red wine, chocolate strawberry pizza, and laughter. Not to mention all the support. I know I wouldn't have gotten that collection of stories done had it not been for Judy and Alicia, I just didn't know it would be so difficult to get that again. I would be amazed if such a great fit happened with a random call over the internet. Why can't good things last forever?

Sigh...

The Waiting Begins

Yesterday marked four weeks of sending my first partial to an agent. I've heard it always takes them much longer to get in touch than they say it will. That's why I've been advised to send in even if the second half of the book needs work - which it does. Only thing is that this agent does not accept unsolicited submissions and I can't help but wonder if I'll hear from him sooner as a result. And it's going to be really embarrassing if he wants to see the full manuscript and I don't have it done yet. There's something about the four week mark that makes me think I might hear from him in a couple of weeks or within four weeks. And... all that may come of it is that I get a form letter or email saying "thank you for submitting, but this does not meet the needs of this agency at this time." I guess one good thing about waiting is that I know I haven't been rejected yet. ;)

My absolute deadline is to get this novel FINISHED by the time I go back to school in early October. It's coming...

Mister????

Okay, the good news is an editor from Tor wrote me a quick email and it wasn't a rejection!!!!!  The neutral news is that she asked me to resubmit my synopsis as an rtf because it didn't go through.  But the bad news is she addressed me as "Mr. Mahaffey."  OUCH!!!

Don't get me wrong, I know "Montgomery" is not exactly the most feminine sounding name in the world - thus the mistake is understandable.  I know that I met this editor at a conference where she met MANY writers.  In our consultation, she did say this was her first conference and I didn't see her taking notes - like some do.  The mistake's understandable, but it still would have been nice if she had remembered I'm a woman.    

So ends my little rant for the day.... 

The Hope Behind Writer's Conferences

I have vivid memories of my first writer's conference.  I had been on the road for more than six months, was staying in Santa Cruz and feeling pretty cocky after my DIY book tour that wasn't making me any money.  The Conference was in San Diego and the agents and editors there were pretty brutal and, as I was to find out later, more honest than they often are at conferences.  I remember the conference because the intensity of hundreds of writers wanting something from a handful of agents and editors really caught me off guard.  

As a self-published author at the time, I knew plenty about setting up a booth in art and craft fairs, coffee houses, storytelling naked in hot springs, and selling the book at random.  I knew plenty about how draining it is for the writer to sell her own work, developing a thick skin when dozens of people walked by not giving a damn about me pursuing my dream, thought my stories sucked, and learning to live for the "Yes" from those who bought my book and found my stories intriguing.  I also knew to NEVER tell the agents and editors I had self-published.

But I knew nothing about the business end of publishing.  When I went to classes about how to pitch, how to query, how to write a synopsis, I felt the presenters were speaking in a foreign language and they treated me as such.  Since 2006, I've been to several conferences and have come to realize that my dreams aren't necessarily going to come true because I'm meeting these people face to face.  I've also learned that these events are challenging for the agents and editors listening to us pitch in our eager-beaver-ready-to-make-my-dreams-come-true kind of way.  Writers spend hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars going to these each year for the opportunity to meet industry insiders face to face.  The main advantage is promotion of our writing from being an "unsolicited query and/or submission" that either gets rejected outright or left in the limbo of the slush pile for months to "Requested Materials from Such and So Conference 2010" that will get rejected most of the time, but at least the writer is guaranteed a look-see.  At the conferences, the speakers encourage us to build our writer's community from these events, stressing that leaving with a pocket full of cards from other writers is the most important thing we can hope to accomplish there.  And they're right.  The better conferences have classes that give a lot of useful information that you won't find in Writer's Market or on the Internet because the information is coming from the horse's mouth.  For example, I heard about Miss Snark at a conference.  I recently learned new techniques to engage the reader's emotions that I never knew before.  I have learned to pitch, query, and write a synopsis from these, enough that I'm calm talking to the agents and editors who responded by complimenting my pitching style as "perfect."  I know this doesn't mean I'll get published, but I feel ready enough to throw my writing into the ring.  I've already received 4 rejections from cold query letters, one with a partial to an agent I'd met 3 years before.  That rejection hurt my heart a little.  But I still have 5 partials out to 3 editors and 2 agents as well as one query with 10 pages to 1 agent.  That doesn't mean I'll get representation or a publishing contract.  Maybe I'll get one offer.

  

And I'm dreaming that I will.           

Writing and Dreaming

This is going to take some getting used to.  I've been hearing I needed a blog to create a presence on the web for years.  So now that I have 5 partials, 1 sample pages, and 1 query out to agents and editors, and have 4 rejections notched in my bedpost, I figured now would be a good time to start.

A little about me:

  

Name:  Montgomery Mahaffey

Nickname:  Mana

Gender:  Female

Age:  Ageless

Date of Birth:  Yesterday

Marital status:  Single, of course.

Pets: 1 Cat

Favorite color(s):  Red, purple, black

Favorite number:  8 

Occupation:  Collector of jobs

Dreams about:  Great sex, true love, becoming a world-class dancer (pipedream), traveling the world, oh and getting published and enjoying fame and fortune as a writer and storyteller.

I think that's enough for now.  Hopefully, I don't screw this up.